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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25948717">not making a decision is also a decision</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blxnchett/pseuds/blxnchett'>blxnchett</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Sex, Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:20:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25948717</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blxnchett/pseuds/blxnchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Therese never went to the Oak Room looking for Carol? What if she had a one night stand with Genevieve? What if she made a mistake anticipating only what could go wrong between Carol and herself?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carol Aird &amp; Therese Belivet, Carol Aird/Therese Belivet, Therese Belivet/Genevieve Cantrell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE READ THIS: I will not abandon the other fanfiction I started first, maybe I will rewrite it. okay? okay. I felt it was too superficial, so I will start over again.<br/>I feel more comfortable with my writing in English now, 'cause I've been practicing more and as someone who wished there was more Carol and Therese fanfiction following the canon, here I am writing what I would like to read — and what I think you would like too. Hope you enjoy! If there's any misspelling, any mistake in the writing, feel free to tell me;</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Therese woke up that morning with an intense headache, a hangover from last night where she drank a lot of beers, beyond she could take. She could feel her blood flowing through her ears and eyelids, an irritating pulse on her temples. She surely regretted going to that party at her friend's place and exaggerating with her actions but she didn't regret the reason why she went there. <br/>With a heavy sigh she jumped out of the bed and made her way to the bathroom where she took a shower, certifying herself to wash the makeup off her face carefully, not wanting to dirty her light blue towel with the mascara; she looked herself in the mirror and, Jesus, the woman she met the day before was absolutely right, she had changed. Clenching her jaw, furiously, she let her eyes wander all over her own body, noticing some bruises on her pale neck. "Fuck"</p><p>"Genevieve", she thought. </p><p>The woman she met, Phil's friend, whom she had sex and didn't even remember until that moment.Therese felt a little nauseous and rubbed the mirror to get the steam out of her sight watching her own figure reflected in it, with wide eyes, full of other marks on her body. </p><p>"Oh, my God", her heart raced. She had a lot of physical proofs from the night of, apparently, rough sex she had with a complete stranger that her mind couldn't even recall properly. "What would Carol think of this?", she thought, feeling guilty and dirty, as if out of a sudden, the blonde would find out what she did last night. Therese got a little disappointed catching herself thinking about Carol again because everything she did was trying not to think of the woman she loved. A distraction for the painful decision she made for the both of them.</p><p>Too startled with the finding, she just dressed up as quickly as possible and ran out of the bathroom; she made her bed and took her clothes to the little basket in the end of the small hall between her bedroom and the kitchen. Her green, tired eyes wandered over the tiny calendar she had pinned to the kitchen wall, next to the yellow old fridge: it was her day off, thank God. She was happy not having to work today and, at the same time, desolate. Her consciousness would never, ever, let her sleep. Or watch TV. Or listen to the radio. Or eat. Or live. Her whole body was aching, and so was her head. She felt too dizzy and tired to think straight but she knew that once the hangover has passed, she would be bombed with millions of thoughts about Carol. </p><p>And Genevieve. </p><p><br/>And Carol inviting her to live together. </p><p><br/>And Genevieve almost ripping off her clothes and sinking her nails in her skin. </p><p><br/>And Carol's "I love you", whispered with glassy eyes full of passion and regret, in the middle of a restaurant. </p><p><br/>And the way every inch of her body wanted to be touched by Genevieve.</p><p>"Therese, you're overreacting", she stated to herself. But her mind knew better. Now, laying on the couch and staring into the abyss of the nothing, she bitterly admitted to herself:</p><p>"What happened with Genevieve", first she just thought, as a secret;</p><p>"I wanted", she then stated out loud, running her shaking fingers through her hair. </p><p>Months ago, before traveling with Carol, she already knew she was falling in love; the tall, exquisite and blonde woman was the only thing she could think about, since the first time she laid her eyes on her. Carol was the reason she wrote letters and poetry; the reason why the urge to photograph had risen again inside of herself; Carol was the reason she sighed, smiled and cried and felt and dreamed and wanted things as she never did in her whole life before. Early in the process of falling in love with Carol and starting to truly love her, the young lady thought that, maybe, Carol was the one and only woman she would ever feel attracted and would desire.</p><p>Now she felt like there was not such a thing as the — kind of romantic — thought of feeling things only for the older woman she loved. Not after Genevieve. She desired the woman as much as she desired Carol when they were together in Waterloo. </p><p>Therese tossed and turned, never falling asleep again. She didn't know if her doubts, that came with Carol early in their relationship, were resolved now or if those doubts were actually duplicated. </p><p>[...]</p><p>Abby stroked Carol's hair with one hand and planted a kiss on the top of her blonde head while the other hand was holding Carol's body tightly. The woman was sobbing, crying in a way that Abby has never seen before, even with their longtime friendship. Falling apart.</p><p>Carol was always strong; an enigmatic piece of art; always so stiffened, steady, serious, with those blue eyes that could rip someone apart and a composure that made her look surreally cold. Sometimes it didn't even seem to people that Carol could feel things. But there she was, clinging to Abby's neck and shoulder, with her tears wetting the silk shirt the woman was wearing. "So fragile", Abby thought, "she could break at any moment"</p><p>"She didn't show up", the blonde said, still sobbing. Oh, how humiliating it felt to her to be like this! Exposing her deepest feelings and crying out her most painful, salty and bitter tears to Abby like she never did.</p><p>Abby was not convinced that Therese didn't want to live with Carol. She saw the young lady hurting and shattering when Carol had to leave; she saw Therese throwing up multiple times during their trip home and how the young brunette woke up startled, clearly looking for Carol, while sleeping in the backseats, as though that day was just a terrible nightmare. How could Therese neglect the woman she loved? Abby couldn't understand, she couldn't believe. Carol and Therese loved each other in a way that was out of this world; everything seemed too mediocre if ending like this and their love, their story together, was absolutely not mediocre.</p><p>"Carol, dear, let's get positive, okay?" she tried to alleviate the situation; she was trying to tell that to herself, actually. "Maybe something happened, how could you know, huh?" she caressed Carol's temple.</p><p>"I know what happened, Abby", the blonde said. "She's grown up now. She knows better"</p><p>"Exactly, and for that, she's supposed to be more mature and understanding, don't you think?"</p><p>"How could she?!" Carol pulled herself back. "I don't know, what was I expecting?! Of course she wouldn't come with me and just leave everything behind, Abby, she...", the woman wiped the tears off her eyes. "She's not naive anymore; she knows what is better for her now"</p><p>"And definitely I'm not good for her", Carol didn't finished the sentence, keeping the statement to herself, "maybe I never did".</p><p>Abby remained in silence knowing that maybe Carol was right. She didn't get to know Therese as her friend did. But something just didn't smell right. She had an intense intuition telling her that it all was an equivocate decision that the young brunette made. </p><p>"Anyway, I am here. I will always, always be" she managed to say. She couldn't handle to see her best friend, and also the person she most loved in the world, hurting like this. She wasn't angry or upset at Therese, even though she once was reluctant about the relationship between Carol and the young one, but she was disappointed to see a romance with a huge potential to work ending like that; and also, Carol's suffering made her suffer too. </p><p>Abby silently promised to herself she would find out the reason why Therese didn't accept Carol back in her life.</p><p>Carol just couldn't help but crying and mumbling nonsense; her friend thoughtfully prepared a bath for her with warm water and lead her to the bathroom; Abby picked some comfortable clothes and took it to her, kissing her forehead before leaving to the kitchen:</p><p>"I will make you something to eat"</p><p>"I am not hungry"</p><p>"I know" the woman smiled and left.</p><p>Carol entered the medium-sized bathroom and the first thing she did was looking herself in the mirror: her eyes were swollen, her nose was running and lips were quivering; she hadn't seen herself like this since Rindy's birth when she got a little depressed, feeling insecure and not enough to care for her child. Her hair was a mess, as though reflecting the inside of her mind: she always had control of her thoughts but now she was thinking a thousand per second and all of those thoughts were about Therese. Each and every of them. </p><p>She leaned her back to the bathtub letting the warmth calm down her shaking and fragile body; she was still crying but there was not tears, even though her face was contorted in a pain expression. </p><p>The night before happened just about thirteen hours ago but the disappointment was still vividly remembering: she waited for Therese to meet her, until the restaurant shut its doors. She met her friends and barely talked, barely paid attention to what they were talking about, anxiously expecting to see Therese's thin figure coming in her direction. She crossed and uncrossed her legs restlessly, look over the ambience discreetly a dozen of times and every person passing through the doors caught her attention, made her heart race. </p><p>When she realized it was past nine and her colleagues were leaving.</p><p>"Do you need a ride, ma'am?" a male voice, which she didn't recognize, asked, and she said no. Carol said her goodbyes to them and stayed, watching them leave.</p><p>As the time was passing, suddenly, everybody in the room was leaving too. And she was staying. Waiting. </p><p>Carol went home after that in complete silence and fell asleep quickly, feeling numb. She dreamed of Therese entering the restaurant looking for her and their eyes locking into each other. </p><p>The feeling from last night was scratching its way out of Carol's chest again, but this time she didn't let it out. She stood up, dried off and dressed the pair of clothes Abby lent her, not staring at the mirror this time. </p><p>In the kitchen, her lovely, thoughtful friend was waiting for her, sat by the table.</p><p>"I made some rice, spinach, boiled eggs and-" Abby tried to present her to the meal but was interrupted.</p><p>"You didn't need to, Abby, darling"</p><p>"But I wanted to" she said simply. "Now eat. And drink water. There's not any wine today, okay? You need to get hydrated"</p><p>Her tongue felt tasteless; she could actually feel the flavor of the food Abby prepared her with so much caring, — she knew Abby wasn't much of a cook — and she appreciated it. But her body couldn't process any emotion from eating something so good. She sighed as every second of silence sounded like bells ringing loudly; like waves splashing into her eardrums; like hearing the name Therese, Therese, Therese being shouted nonstop; </p><p>"It is really good" she reached Abby's hand and put a smile on her face. A sincere smile. "Thank you"</p><p>[...]</p><p>Carol was reluctant about sleeping, however much she felt terribly drained. She tried to go home but Abby didn't let her go.</p><p>"You're not leaving until I say so", her friend said with a severe tone and gaze. Carol wasn't in conditions to contest, anyway. "I prepared you the guest room; you're always welcome and now more than ever. If you need something from your apartment, we can go there together so you can get it" Abby continued. "But you're not leaving"</p><p>Carol's chest still felt heavy but her mask and steady composure were back again, so she didn't let sadness corrupt her again; she willingly offered to help with the dishes and after done, she went to sleep. Abby could tell she was going to grieve silently as she was used to do.</p><p>Therese couldn't sleep: she kept having nightmares every time her eyes closed. Random dreams fulfilled her mind as if her brain was processing scenes she actually lived in real life. In one of the scenes her mind projected, she saw herself at the Frankenberg's behind the counter and her eyes wandering through Carol's body in front of her in the distance. They staring each other, unconsciously, making something out of nothing. Carol's eyes getting bluer at each second. Carol's legs making her way closer and her mouth opening to ask something about dolls. Carol's hands leaving behind her gloves.</p><p>Therese woke up startled feeling something wet on her face; instinctively she rubbed her hands through her eyes and realized she was intensively crying.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week later, Abby was expecting anything but Carol being so — apparently — relaxed and well resolved. But that was how the blonde woke up that morning; she opened her eyes with the same familiar feeling she used to feel when she was with Harge: the feeling of impotence; the feeling of not being able to do anything, not being able to fight against what was killing her. So she showered, put some make up on and prepared breakfast for the two of them and when Abby woke up, she got completely flustered. </p><p>"What are you doing?", she asked, tightening the knot in her robe.</p><p>Carol looked at her with a smirk on her face. Her eyes were still tired, her eyelids were clearly heavy, as though holding back some tears, and her cheekbones had some dark circles. But she was good at the pretending: she was holding the newspaper with one hand and sipping from the coffee mug in the other. </p><p>Parallel with that scene, Therese was in her quiet, grey colored new apartment, sitting by the table eating an omelette and being stared by a confused Dannie; the young man listened Therese telling him everything that happened with Carol, since their road trip together to the moment at the Ritz Tower, Carol's invitation and the meeting at the Oak Room that never happened. </p><p>"Well, I am reading" Carol shrugged, as if it was obvious.</p><p>Abby decided not to ask anything knowing well that her friend was probably trying to forget her rare scene, when she exposed her vulnerability days ago.</p><p>"Sleep well?"</p><p>"Absolutely", both women lied.</p><p>"What you up for today? Are you working?", Abby asked.</p><p>"Yes"</p><p>But Abby could not pretend she wasn't seeing what Carol was doing.</p><p>"Are you sure you-" once again, she was interrupted by Carol raising her hand.</p><p>"I don't wanna go there again", Therese and Carol said simultaneously.</p><p>Dannie sighed feeling defeated and so did Abby. </p><p>Their lives happening as a reflection of each other; two halves of a circle, apart. Reacting without they even noticing.</p><p>When Dannie met Therese, he got immediately interested in her; Therese's eyes, two green planets orbiting around the world surrounding her, a paradox; her shyness; the way she was so self-conscious that she never, ever, said something stupid because she was always pondering what to say and when to say. </p><p>He still thinks that the brunette is a reserved woman; quiet, almost monosyllabic; one of these people that barely say anything about themselves but anyone can catch in the air that they have a complex background; their own ghosts, their tough story;</p><p>That is why Dannie realized that he did not have a crush on Therese; more than this, he got attached to her personality, her character, her unique, exquisite way of being and her loyalty expressed with few words and a lot of actions, since their lives were drew closer because of their working together.</p><p>He liked her so much as a friend.</p><p>And being friends with Therese was definitely not easy; but not because Therese wasn't empathetic or because she wasn't kind. Therese was an introvert person: life made her like this. She was raised by her own; everything she learned about living, until now, was based on her immature experiences. </p><p>Also, she was a recently blossomed lesbian, a woman living in the 50s, completely alone; she had heartbreaking memories of her childhood and the new ones she was creating during adulthood were painful too.</p><p>Richard couldn't fulfill her needs, he couldn't balance the two extremes of Therese. She was always existing between hot and cold; quiet and noisy; ethereal and "earth centered"; numb and overfeeling; red and green;</p><p>She was aware of these characteristics of herself and, besides her instincts, there was a decision to not let anyone in and not let relationships get any personal. </p><p>"I hope you know what you're doing", Dannie said and touched Therese's hand.</p><p>"I do", she said simply and took her coat on the top of the table; they both walking their way out to the paper.</p><p>Outside was cold and New York was still New York: a pale city, filled with tones of grey and light blue from men's suits and their hats. But not because she was heartbroken or too in love to not see colors around; it was how it was: pale. For the first time in a long time, Therese could see the world the way it was and contemplate it.</p><p>She was currently renting an apartment close to the Times since she was getting better pay and could live a more comfortable — but still affordable — life. And that was her new practical routine: waking up by 6, taking a quick shower, getting dressed, getting breakfast and then walking down the streets for around 15 or 20 minutes to work. She felt more healthy and responsible; she also felt more creative, always carrying her camera with her, waiting for a proper moment, the perfect scene — a child, a bird, a passionate couple crossing the street — to capture with her lens.</p><p>A week after Phil's party, her mind still slipped through the thoughts about what she called "the incident" — which she didn't remember well — but she was too busy and self centered to worry about it now. Confused? Yes. Hurt? A lot. But silent, as she always used to be. And patient. </p><p>Therese was touched by the virtuous hands of the patience.</p><p>That morning in particular, by the way, because a rude man bumped into her and didn't apologize; she let her folders fall and dozens of photographs, reports and manuscripts painted white the pedestrians crossing. Dannie helped her picking up the papers and handing to her.</p><p>"Thank you" she said and they stood up. She didn't even feel upset about it. "Sorry!" she yelled to the stranger that was already gone and then kept walking. </p><p>[...]</p><p>Carol was tapping her fingers nervously on the table, watching the street through the glass doors of the store she was working. It's been a long time since the last time she worked like this. Abby said she didn't need to dive too much into it to forget everything around but she felt like she needed that to move on. </p><p>Time didn't seem to pass. Everything looked the same. She even checked twice the selling archives, something she was supposed to do only by the end of the week.</p><p>Costumers.</p><p>A brief stop to get a coffee.</p><p>Costumers. </p><p>A brief stop to think of Therese. She felt like a teenager in love, again.</p><p>More costumers.</p><p>A brief stop to miss Rindy and think of what her little girl would be doing at Harge's house. Would she be eating well? Behaving? Was she missing her mother?</p><p>Last time Carol called Rindy, her ex husband got into the calling and made a statement:</p><p>"Twice a month" he said harshly. "And please, don't drag Rindy into your messy life"</p><p>"I would never" she pointed a finger to the nothing, as if Harge could see her through the phone. "never, ever, get our daughter involved in this situation", rubbed and pressed her forehead and left temple.</p><p>"I hope so", he said disdainful.</p><p>"Don't act like this, Harge. I am agreeing with you, don't you see?!"</p><p>"I don't have reasons to trust you, Carol. But I know what is better for Rindy and she misses you"</p><p>And that was that. Twice a month she would be able to see her daughter. Her sweet pea; that tiny, feisty brunette with attentive eyes. She looked so much like her father but the way she talked and her gestures were Carol's, undeniably. And that made the woman's heart beat stronger, knowing that in the future Rindy would become a young lady full of opinions, dreams, wills and that, maybe, she would be luckier than her mother and get free from any boundaries; free to be whatever she wanted to; free to exist beyond any stupid social rules and roles that men settled to women during the 40s and 50s. </p><p>Carol had the hope that in the future, within ten, fifteen years, everything would change;</p><p>It was Wednesday. Therese was sat by her working desk typing a draft of the headlines the Editing Department would be doing that week; she was only responsible for buying and serving coffee, typing this and that and eventually taking some pictures. But Dannie assured her that there would be a reward and soon their boss would see her talents and promote her.</p><p>And it happened.</p><p>Her fingers were pressing the buttons restlessly when someone called her name.</p><p>"Miss Belivet?" — it was a male voice.</p><p>"Sir?", she stood up and left behind what she was doing; the man silently beckoned her to follow him to his office and she did. Her legs were a little shaky now. He was her superior. Has she done something wrong?! She was on the edge to panicking when he managed to say:</p><p>"Miss Belivet, do you know how much I appreciate your photographs? Me and the Editing Department, of course"</p><p>She exhaled relieved now. "Oh, that"</p><p>She let a gasp and a smile lit up her whole face. "Thank you, sir. I do my best" she declared. And it was true.</p><p>Even though her job at the Times was a little informal and she didn't have a specific role, actually, she was always putting effort in it, being polite, organized, taking creative and quality pictures. </p><p>"That one" the man pointed to a newspaper with a picture that Therese took; a headline about a restaurant inauguration day. "How did you get that one?" he asked smiling. "I suppose you don't have an expensive equipment to take pictures like this, not trying to offend you, Miss"</p><p>"It's no offense, sir" she shrugged her shoulders. "I have a good camera, yes"<br/>The camera Carol gave her, she omitted. "but that is all. That photograph I made using a shard of glass in front of the lens, against the light from the sun. I was at the park and it happened to me to capture the building, so I kneeled and there was a shard of glass on the ground. I knelt down on it accidentally" she furrowed her eyebrows slightly, remembering the pain it caused; and the bleeding.</p><p>The man remained in silence listening to her and Therese felt her cheeks blushing awkwardly, so she kept talking.</p><p>"I had the idea in a glimpse and I thought 'why not?' " she smiled, showing her adorable dimples. She was personally proud of that one. </p><p>"I think you and the boys from E.D would be a great team" he said and Therese widened her eyes. He studied her facial expressions. </p><p>"No way!" she exclaimed inside of her own mind but she didn't want to seem pathetic. </p><p>"Excuse me?" she managed to say.</p><p>"I'm promoting you, Miss Belivet. No more typing and buying coffees", he said and they shook hands. Therese's heart was racing like never before.</p><p>[...]</p><p>The nights during the week after work were always lonely and boring to Therese; she used to go home alone or with Dannie and pass by a cafeteria next to her place to eat something. She got used to the silence her home was always sank in as she was a silent person herself.</p><p>But that Wednesday, particularly, she wanted to scream. She wanted to shout out what she was feeling: Regret. Relief. Pain. Pleasure. Everything mixed, pulsating on her chest. She entered her apartment, locked the door and kicked off her shoes feeling her warm toes touching the cold floor. She ran to the bathroom with a big smile on her face, almost childish. She couldn't celebrate the promotion while in the office but now, alone at home, she could and she would!</p><p>Her thoughts were going from "Oh, my God, Therese Belivet..." —  in a sad tone —  to an immediate "Oh, my fucking God, Therese Belivet!", full of joy.<br/>Her face smiling and her chest, lungs and arms opening, dilating under the shower. She washed her body with hands full of caring, realizing that the marks Genevieve left in her body were faded away. There was no space for crying that night. No space for doubts. She was promoted. It might not be a big deal to anyone, but for her, working as an official photographer at The Times, for the Editing Department, was a huge achievement. </p><p>"You and the boys are coming?", the young lady asked, drying her hair with a towel. She heard a laugh on the other end of the phone.</p><p>"Yep!", Dannie said. "I'm bringing beers and Chinese, whatchu have there?"</p><p>Therese stretched her slim body to the side so she could open the fridge and check it. </p><p>"Wine and gin. But not too much. Can you buy some more?"</p><p>"Of course" </p><p>"Dannie?" she asked after a brief silence; she could hear a masculine voice but also a feminine one. Her body shivered. She knew.</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"Is she coming?" she bit her bottom lip.</p><p>"I don't think so. Phil and I didn't invite her, we didn't think you would want to, 'cause she don't work at the Times. But would like her to come?"</p><p>Therese felt her stomach getting colder than the winter, suddenly. Her hands began to sweat. Would she like to see Genevieve again? She remembered saying to the woman that they would, definitely, meet again. And there was a perfect opportunity. Would she waste it? Was she betraying her own feelings? What about the woman she loved?</p><p>"Therese?"</p><p>"Yes" the brunette said with a sigh. "Don't invite her directly. Just say it." she advised. She didn't want to seem eager to see the woman. And she wasn't. Her mind and heart could feel eager for only one woman in the world.</p><p>She dressed a dark green long skirt and a cream button up shirt for that night; put on some mascara and lipstick, sprayed perfume, combed the bangs on her forehead; absolutely beautiful. She was satisfied with her appearance; since she left Frankenberg's she was having more money left to buy the kind of clothes that fit her well and she liked to dress.</p><p>It was a night to celebrate. An official photographer, herself, Miss Belivet.</p><p>"Congrats!", Dannie and Phil hugged her awkwardly at the same time, their strong arms making her disappear in the middle of their bodies. She could see two girls and a boy behind Phil's shoulder and she mumbled a "thank you" before slapping them to let her go. For some seconds, Therese wondered where in the earth was her mind, that she invited people around her home; her tiny silent world.</p><p>"Congratulations, Miss Belivet", a strange, blonde and short woman said; she was probably as young as Therese and the brunette felt good with having another woman her age to, eventually, chat that night. "I am Erica, Mark's cousin. We'll work  together at editing", she said.</p><p>"Thanks for coming; it's a pleasure to meet you", Therese said sympathetic.<br/>Mark entered the apartment too and hugged Therese tightly saying "Welcome aboard!", which Therese thought really fun but kinda uncomfortable with the lack of personal space.</p><p>And then, for last, Genevieve, standing outside; she was already drinking a can of Coke. The other guys were already in the couch, laughing and chatting; someone has turned some music on. They stared to each other. Therese was ashamed of herself for having slept with Genevieve and not recalling details; ashamed for realizing that Genevieve has seen her naked; </p><p>But there they were. </p><p>"Would it be too cliché to say congratulations too?", the woman said, gazing Therese with a smirk. Oh, she should have a lot of questions, Therese could tell just by looking at her face and the way she was behaving — barely moving or getting closer. Too different from the night they met and Genevieve practically invaded Therese's personal space.</p><p>"No way", Therese smiled. "Come in"</p><p>"Is it okay?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Is it okay to see me?", Genevieve said with a low tone, probably trying to be discreet, almost whispering and taking a step closer. "What was she talking about?!", Therese thought. Was she thinking Therese wouldn't want to see her just because they had sex? "No way. I'm not that childish", Therese furrowed her eyebrows. </p><p>Not having any response, Genevieve reformulated her sentence, a little impatient. If Therese was confused, so was her. She also had a lot of doubts and the major one was: who the hell was Carol?!</p><p>"Are you okay now? Do you really want me to be with you and your friends tonight?", the woman wasn't inquisitive. She was careful, actually, but the young brunette still couldn't understand what was the point of that question. </p><p>Therese got out of her apartment, closing the door behind them two, letting her friends alone in the living room. — they probably hadn't cared. Dannie and Phil specially, knowing what went on between the two women last week. </p><p>She crossed her arms again her chest, taking a deep breath and looking seriously to Genevieve. The air was cold; few clouds were painting the sky with grey and orange — maybe pink?<br/>Therese wished she had her camera in hands to take a picture of it.</p><p>"You think I wouldn't like to see you because we had sex? Come on, I'm not that immature, Miss Cantrell", she was a little, little upset.</p><p>"What? No. Absolutely not that. I mean", she swallowed hard. "I mean: don't you remember?"</p><p>"I literally said what happened between the two of us, of course I remember", Therese said, squeezing her own body with the tip of her fingers, while her arms were still crossed again her breasts.</p><p>"No, you don't. We didn't do anything!", Genevieve managed to say. Now was her turn to sound upset. She took a sip of her Coke and looked at the sky, avoiding eye contact, dilated nostrils. She presumed it would be awkward to Therese to hear that. It was also awkward to herself, too. </p><p>The young lady closed her eyes, trying to find explanations and connect the random scenes her brain could match together; she tried to form a sentence but the words just didn't come out.</p><p>"I... You... What happened?!" </p><p>"You <em>really</em> don't remember", Genevieve emphasized, completely annoyed now. "Okay, listen: it's your night to celebrate with your friends. I'm not ruining it. Plus, things like that happens all the time; it's none of my business if you're dating someone and cheating on them-"</p><p>"Wait, what?!", Therese exclaimed. It was worse than her mind could imagine. She rubbed her face roughly and ran her fingers through her perfectly combed hair. </p><p>"The woman's name you'd called for when I was kissing you and you started to cry", Genevieve said bitterly. "Isn't she your girlfriend?"</p><p>Therese felt nauseous. Her skin got cold, her knees failed and suddenly her hands were sweating non-stop. She didn't react with gestures but her body started to react as though it was self-destructing. </p><p>"Please don't say it was Carol's name. Don't say it was Carol's name. Not her.", she begged, trapped inside of her own mind, while her tongue seemed to be tangled to her teeth. She feel a ferrous flavor on her mouth and realized she bit her own tongue with a lot more strength than she should. </p><p>Noticing the way Therese was getting each second more pale, — and her face a little green nauseous — Genevieve grabbed her hand.</p><p>"You okay? You look exactly the same way you did that night. I'm not judging you, I just got worried"</p><p>"What name was it?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Who's name I said"</p><p>"Carol, I think. I couldn't understand right, you were suddenly sobbing, Therese, and then you left and-"</p><p>Therese pushed Genevieve out of her way just quickly enough to throw up without making a mess with the other woman's clothes and shoes. </p><p>"What a terrible sensation", Carol said, suddenly, leaving her glasses and book aside. Out of the blue, tears started to form in her eyes and her stomach felt sick.</p><p>Abby was lying next to her while talking to the phone, all giggly and stopped when noticed Carol getting out of bed and walking annoyingly worried around the room.</p><p>"Darling, I gotta go now", Abby her goodbyes to the girl she was flirting on the phone. "Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm calling you tomorrow", she said and hung up. "Carol? What's wrong?"</p><p>"I am...", she scratched her head and then rubbed harshly the bones of her collarbones and chest. "I am feeling something so bad. Like an anxiety or an intuition that something bad is happening"</p><p>"Don't you mean, like, something going to happen?", Abby stood up and caressed Carol's back.</p><p>"No. I feel like", she gasped. She felt suffocated without knowing why. "I feel like happening now. Gotta call Rindy and check on her"</p><p>"I would say you should stay calm but you're a mother and mothers know better", Abby handed her the phone, after rapidly disking Harge's number herself. "Here, dear"</p><p>"Thank you", Carol said, sitting on the bed again, trying to steady her lungs and heart. "Hello? Harge?"</p><p>"What do you want, Carol? Rindy's at her grandma's house now"</p><p>"But is she okay? I just had a bad feeling out of the sudden"</p><p>Harge knew what feeling Carol was talking about. The blonde woman used to have a strong intuition and sometimes it used to coincide with some events. He sighed, feeling a little sorry for Carol.</p><p>"She's absolutely fine, Carol. I promise. She had an amazing day at school today, she'll probably tell you about it when you two meet again", he said a little more gentle than when the conversation started.</p><p>"You sure?"</p><p>"Yes. Don't need to worry. You're probably just missing her too much"</p><p>"You're right, Harge. That's it. Tell her I sent her kisses"</p><p>"I will", and then hung up.</p><p>Carol and Abby remained in silence for a minute. Carol let her body fall against the mattress and a heavy, warm sigh came out of her nose.</p><p>"She's fine, right?"</p><p>"Yes"</p><p>"Feeling better now?"</p><p>"Oh, I wish"</p><p>"Is there something I can do for you?"</p><p>Ignoring completely what Abby asked, Carol sat up again, widening her eyes.</p><p>"Fuck", she cursed. She was not the kind that said bad words so that surprised Abby. </p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Do you think something might have happened to her?", the woman asked with a deep, melancholic voice and her friend knew exactly whom she was talking about. Carol was a natural skeptical woman but that was an exception.</p><p>"There's no way to know that, but I hope not", and reached for Carol's hand.</p><p>[...]</p><p>Therese's celebration was ruined that moment and no one, except herself, knew why. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>4,051 words in this chapter: WOW.</p><p>I hope you understand and enjoy the way I'm trying to portray the time passing. Let me know what you think! And feel welcome to correct me if I made any mistake</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The young Therese Belivet lived an individual life, a hostage to her creativity and shyness, always observing attentively to any environment she was inserted in and reacting to it vividly with deep gaze to people and inanimate objects, millimeter chosen words she was constantly putting in paper; <br/>
She perceived herself as a lonely human being too early, by the age of seventeen, and for some time, she really felt bad about that fact, as though she wasn't belonging to nowhere; it hurt her to feel that way, a little disgusted with life on her own, having no one to share her experiences, anguishes or accomplishes; her boredom and nauseous dissatisfaction with existence or the screaming fear of being ordinary and forgettable.<br/>
The only way she could project herself out of her mind was through writing and, posteriorly, photography. </p><p>For being on her own, not talking much and behaving quiet, people were constantly assuming Therese was naive, and for some time, they were not wrong. She used to be innocent.<br/>
Therese was naive before Carol, not just because the circumstances broke her heart or Carol was the first woman she loved and desired, but because Carol was the one and only human being she felt similar to. — of course, the older woman with so much more experience than Therese herself but still similar. </p><p>They were two meticulous people, distinct from the rest of the others who were only conniving to the tragedy of conventional, emotionless living. </p><p>And for being like this, Therese had to learn to act and imitate life surrounding her; hide her condition from the external universe she was obligated to live in; keep her secret — her delicate ability to see everything  from a different, sensitive, point of view — safe.</p><p>"Shit!", Dannie opened the door and saw Therese on her knees vomiting as though she was turning inside out. Genevieve was thoughtfully holding her hair back with one hand while the other was caressing Therese's shoulders and neck. "What happened?", he asked feeling his heartbeats on his ears. Anyone could tell he really cared about the young brunette. Her little figure was shaking on the ground. </p><p>"She's got emotional", the woman said. "I think she's too excited about work", she lied. But Dannie knew she was lying, he was aware of everything that was happening simultaneously in Therese's life. He felt genuinely bad for her, kneeling beside her and stroking her back gently.</p><p>"Let it out, T", he advised; his face contorted in a pity look. </p><p>"What's wrong?", Mark and his cousin showed up, both of them holding beers. "Oh, Miss Belivet, is she fine?!" Erica exclaimed, with a disgusting expression on her face.</p><p>The young man kneeling beside Therese knew she would probably be feeling embarrassed, since she didn't like attention.<br/>
"She'll be better if y'all stop staring at her", said Dannie noticing the way Mark and Erica were looking at the poor girl throwing her soul out; they entered the apartment again and just so, Phil came out with a towel and a small bowl with water. He heard the loud chatting outside and got immediately worried about his friend.</p><p>"Here, Dannie, help her clean up"</p><p>Therese felt so ashamed now, realizing she was the center of everyone's attention and the thought of having all eyes on her made her feel even more nauseous. Her own eyes shut and rolled behind her thin, fragile eyelids, so painfully that she whimpered. Everything around her was spinning; her throat was on fire;<br/>
her tongue was melting with the acid taste of vomit; her eardrums were buzzing; her temples were painfully pulsating and her cheeks were blushing as so as her ears were getting red;</p><p>But beyond any physical sensation, her metaphorical heart was sore for the founding that her body, her soul and mind could only correspond to Carol — even when she wasn't conscious; even when she was drunk, numb, out of control; even when Carol herself wasn't around.</p><p>Genevieve got into the apartment, finally, and went to the kitchen, finding Mark and Erica - who she already knew - chatting as if nothing was happening. "If you excuse me," she pointed sarcastically to the yellow fridge behind them two. "Gotta get Therese some cold water", she forced a smile.</p><p>And not that they were obligated to show empathy and care about the woman who invited them to her place, but Genevieve felt disappointed with her colleagues. Now the cousins were feeling a little discomfort.</p><p>When Genevieve was walking back, Therese, Phil and Dannie were already in the living room; the boys sitting on the floor, watching a passed out Therese leaned back on the couch; </p><p>"I brought her some cold water"</p><p>"Should we wake her up?"</p><p>"Is she really passed out?" </p><p>"Definitely. At least she's calmed down now", Dannie said, looking attentively the way the brunette's eyes behind closed eyelids kept moving back and forth and left to right, and after that, Genevieve put the glass of water on the top of the small center table, sitting beside Therese, all carefully not to wake up the fragile woman. Phil stood up suddenly, startling his friends with the quick movement, and marched to the kitchen. "Wait a minute", he warned and turned the music off as passing by the record player. </p><p>"I see you guys are really worried 'bout our Therese but you gotta go, I'm sorry", he said ironically. Genevieve sighed relieved she wasn't the only that feel bothered by the way Mark and Erica were disdaining Therese's state. "You can take some beverage, Mark, I don't wanna be rude", he tried to soften the situation. "But the party is really over, Therese is unwell tonight, I'm sorry"</p><p>He definitely wasn't a rude man, at all.</p><p>"It's ok, man. Tell her we wish her well", Erica said.</p><p>And Therese was feeling too tired, exhausted actually, that after when she threw up, her body felt lighter. She remembered being held by a lot of hands and led to the couch, where she leaned back her head and felt like floating. She remained like this for a few minutes, she could tell, listening to indistinct chattering around her, when a warm and soft hand touched her arm.</p><p>"Therese", a feminine voice called her name and she opened her eyes. "It's me", Genevieve said.</p><p>"Oh, so she didn't leave after seeing me almost vomiting all over her?", Therese inquired to herself. </p><p>"What's going on? What time is it?", she asked instead. Her mouth was terribly sour.</p><p>"Almost nine", Genevieve stroked her arm and Therese sat up right on the couch; "I took the audacity to prepare you a bath and I hope you don't mind that me and Dannie invaded your bathroom", she said playfully but her eyes were still watching Therese's every move carefully.</p><p>"No, of course not. And thank you but didn't need to"</p><p>"We wanted to. Now come", Genevieve stood up and pulled her by the hand. "Phil's in the kitchen fixing us something to eat"</p><p>"We promise to let you rest, T", Dannie also said and just for that Therese realized her friend was sitting on the floor next to the couch she was taking a nap before. "But we're not leaving until you eat something"</p><p>"I'm so sorry to ruin everything, guys, you really don't have to stay. I'm fine now. We can reschedule-"</p><p>"Oh, Belivet, shut up!", Phil shouted from the kitchen. "You gotta get used to having friends. That's how it works", he said bordering on being rude but fun and Therese blushed.</p><p>"I make his words mine", Genevieve said, still holding and tugging her hand delicately. They shared a soft smile as Therese's cheeks grown warm.</p><p>"Yep. Now get your ass in that bathtub before the water gets cold!", Dannie stood up too. </p><p>Therese felt her heart warming; she had never let anyone get in so much of her private space; never let anyone touch her things, use her kitchen or her bathroom. But as Phil had said, that was how having friends looked like and she liked it and needed to get used to it. She felt overwhelmed with all the caring they had for her that night, even Genevieve whom she was having such a awkwardly serious and personal conversation before. Her thin, weak and pale body entered the bathtub and she felt her muscles instantly relaxing; she let out a sigh, too tired to let her mind wander to  the subject they were walking early.</p><p>She brushed her teeth and combed her hair after bathing and got out of the bathroom to go to the kitchen, where she could listen their laughter getting closer at each step. She walked slowly feeling shyness take her body even in her own home; Would she ever get familiar with that sound? - the sound of people laughing, interacting peacefully around her house? Did she like that? </p><p>"And there she is", Dannie said smiling. "Feeling better?"</p><p>"Much better", she shrugged her shoulders, blushing. "I have no words to thank each one of you". And it<br/>
actually was true: Therese was stupidly out of words because of her dizzy head and empty stomach.</p><p>"Let's eat, Belivet", Phil interrupted her again. It was not a big deal, he thought. Therese had the habit of not feeling worthy of being cared and he would do anything to help her stop doing it. "Is it good?"</p><p>"Yes!", Dannie, Genevieve and Therese said in unison, all of them laughing slightly at the coincidence. </p><p>After dining together and the three friends making sure that Therese was absolutely fine, they left. </p><p>"Call me if you need anything", Dannie offered. "Absolutely anything", and squeezing her arm gently.</p><p>"See you at work?", Phil asked, caressing Therese's shoulder while they were standing at the door.</p><p>"Sure", Therese said and immediately Dannie and Phil stepped out of her apartment leaving her and Genevieve behind, alone.</p><p>The awkward silence didn't last more than five minutes. Genevieve went through the door out and the way she was moving, her body language wasn't saying she was upset, angry or that she had questions, but Therese was too self-conscious and embarrassed of herself that she created a thousand questions inside of her mind. As if reading Therese's mind, Genevieve said:</p><p>"You don't have to explain me anything, Miss Belivet. Don't you dare feeling pressed", the woman unexpectedly kissed Therese's right cheek. "Will I see you again?", she asked.</p><p>Therese nodded and smiled. </p><p>[...]</p><p>"Good morning", Carol said with a deep, melancholic voice; Abby noticed she was apparently not in a good mood today. A few weeks passed after the night when Carol had the deep, strange feeling that something was wrong with someone. And by "someone" it meant Therese, because she talked to Harge and knew her daughter was absolutely fine. </p><p>She took out a cigarette from her clearly expensive cigarette's case and lit it up, swallowing the smoke deeply, feeling her lungs getting filled with it. She exhaled and sat by the table with Abby, who was having her breakfast; both women dressed only in their robes.</p><p>"Do you know what time is it?, Abby asked seriously.</p><p>"Seven?"</p><p>"Six. And a half. And you're already smoking"</p><p>"There's no time and place when the will comes, Abby, my dear"</p><p>She definitely wouldn't tell Abby but last night she didn't fall asleep not even for two hours straight. Luckily, she didn't have to work today; unfortunately, she didn't have to work today. She planned to go buy some groceries and stop by her apartment to take a few more books and clothes to wear at Abby's house; maybe do some domestic work, cleaning and organizing around, - Abby was a little messy and didn't like having maids - and then having the rest of the day to think about Rindy and Therese while listen to some vinyls Abby had.</p><p>She didn't cry again since the last time she simply shattered in Abby's arms, ripping herself out. Carol wasn't much of a cryer, although sentimental.</p><p>"Do you have plans for tonight?", her friend asked pulling her out of her silly thoughts.</p><p>"Do I look like having plans for friday night?</p><p>"Well, now you do" Abby stated and Carol didn't contest. "Don't you have to work today?"</p><p>"Ugh, please don't remember me that I'm having twenty four torturing, idle hours to think about my miserable life", Carol vented out of nothing.</p><p>"Wow. That was cathartic. I wasn't expecting that response", Abby confessed, raising her eyebrows and showing a smirk on her face. "You definitely need to go out with me tonight. You should stop by your apartment later and take one of those red button up shirts you have", she continued. "You look ravishing dressed in red"</p><p>"Meh"</p><p>"So, a dress maybe?"</p><p>"I'm not going out with you, Abby"</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"I know your intentions and I appreciate them but you know me, I don't do this", Carol explained, gesticulating, and Abby immediately knew what was she referring to. Carol didn't like to go fooling around and flirting random people, though she was good at flirting and conquering hearts. </p><p>"I know you're hurt but you're single and you're not grieving"</p><p>"I feel like I am, actually"</p><p>"So what? You're staying home on your day off to succumb to the feeling of loneliness? Missing Rindy?", Abby suddenly was upset, raising her voice. "Missing her? I will not permit you do this. I'm finishing at work by six and you'd better be ready when I get home"</p><p>Carol knew she didn't have choices, it was impossible to win against a determined Abby. So at the end of the day, when night was falling and the sky was so blue that Carol looked at it by the window and nearly seeing her reflection, the stars were scintillating and the clouds were a mix between purple, blue, orange, rosé, Carol was standing dressed in a red dress, like Abby asked her too, waiting for her friend. "We're just having dinner, some martinis and then we're heading back home", Carol convinced herself. She didn't want Abby to persuade her into nonsense flirting or chatting with strangers, plus the fact she was terribly tired. </p><p>But the universe has its mysterious ways to work and sometimes we — as unaware human beings, not sensitive enough —  don't understand how; it reaches out to us and glare us its brilliant eyes full of mercy, compassion; the universe is patient and virtuous; for us misunderstood, but never unfair; never violent, never harmful.</p><p>The universe never fails, never leaves even a comma untouched when it comes to rearrange a story. Everything is useful; everything is necessary; everything comes full circle.</p><p>[...]</p><p><br/>
"Finally"</p><p>"Friday", Therese said sighing relieved.</p><p>"Friday", Phil repeated and raised his glass, as if proposing a small, discreet toast. "To our Miss. Belivet", he declared.</p><p>There were six of them sitting by the  medium round table: Therese, Dannie, Phil, Mark and his cousin Erica — yes, again — and of course: Genevieve.</p><p>"Congrats!", they cheered, every one of them taking a sip of their beers simultaneously, but not Genevieve, because she didn't drink beer, it was not her thing. </p><p>Therese raised a finger in the middle of their random conversation.</p><p>"Considering the complete disaster I arranged that Wednesday when I got promoted, I thought I owed you a good time", Therese said shyly, her cheeks were flushed because of the alcohol and she felt a sudden warm spark of courage inside of small self.  It was one of these particular days she woke up in a good mood despite anything stress. "And I'm not often talking", she started to say. "Actually, I'm always barely speaking", everybody laughed. "But I want you to know that I like you and appreciate your support, though I didn't say it regularly"</p><p>"We know", Dannie said laughing; anyone on the table could tell she was a little, little drunk, which was the reason her shyness was slowly fading away, permitting her to behave more informally. </p><p>"It's been difficult to open up after...", she interrupted herself. "Richard", she replaced the name. "So, yeah. Thank you"</p><p>"So how does it feel to be an official photographer at the Times, Miss. Belivet?", Genevieve asked, locking her eyes on Therese. </p><p>"For the first days I could barely sleep, do you believe it?", she said excited. "I didn't think I would ever get the chance", she shrugged her shoulders.</p><p>"Oh, cut the crap!", Genevieve exclaimed, because Therese ever doubting her own abilities sounded absurd. "I've heard a lot about you, Belivet, I bet anyone knew you were talented even before you did"</p><p>"Oh, Gen, you should have seen her when Dannie introduced her to me", said Phil.</p><p>"We had to insist on her to put together a portfolio!", Dannie completed. "Oh, and Richard was such an ass! He wanted her to give it all up and run to Europe with him", the young man mocked. </p><p>She was blushing nonstop now. She felt flattered but it was kind of awkward to listen people talking about her — and her skills — while she was listening.</p><p>Genevieve was all ears, listening to the boys attentively with a genuine smile and interested look towards them, reaching for Therese's hand on the top of the table and squeezing before letting go, as if saying "you're amazing", because that's what Genevieve wanted to tell to Therese; that she was outstanding without knowing why. </p><p>They shared a smile. Therese held her hand again.</p><p>"I knew she would thrive when she showed me some of her works, man. Sort of few pictures took of buildings, birds, landscapes,...", they kept the comments about her. "But then I told her to be more interested in humans and that was when she-"</p><p>Therese could have paid attention for more minutes and listened silently, just assenting and nodding gratefully, but an indistinct, and at the same time familiar, voice pronounced her name.</p><p>"Therese?", it said. It was a feminine voice. It gave her shivers. Her palms started sweating and her mouth went dry. Her friends shut the conversation and the only noise they could hear was the chattering of other people present in the bar. </p><p>"A-bby?", widened eyes, Therese stood up automatically, letting go Genevieve's hand. Abby looked at their hands touching on top of the table and then looked right in Therese's eyes. The young lady felt as if... guilty? Was it wrong to be caught in a bar with her friends after all? Abby and Dannie were the only who knew what happened. Would Abby presume anything? "Oh, of course it wasn't wrong to have some fun", Therese said inside of her mind. </p><p>Abby could feel the way Therese has got tense; her posture suddenly went from relaxed to stiffened and she felt a little pity, but didn't say anything to calm Therese. The older woman pretended to know nothing about the night Carol and her met at the Ritz and kept casually talking:</p><p>"Oh, what a surprise to see you here, Miss Belivet"</p><p>"Oh. Uhm. Yeah. We're having a little...", Therese rubbed her neck, obviously in panic. </p><p>"She just got promoted", Genevieve shouted intruding their try to talk and went back into her chatting with Phil.</p><p>Therese wanted to disappear.</p><p>"Oh, really?", Abby genuinely smiled and hugged her warmly. "My sincere congratulations, Therese", she let go from Therese's arms. "And hello, young people. I am Abby, a fr-"</p><p>"A friend from Frankenberg's", Therese interrupted her with a shaking voice; Dannie looked at her as if asking "what the fuck?!", and she gazed him as if saying "dance according to the song!", furrowing her eyebrows.</p><p>Abby shook hands with each one at the table and gave Therese a fatal look.</p><p>"I gotta get going", she said. "I'm not alone. My friend is waiting for me", she explained. But of course, the explanation was not for any of the unaware people sitting and watching unpretentiously, but for Therese; the brunette paled. There was the nausea once again and Dannie was the only noticing her agony, nearly to stand up and hold her no to fall. </p><p>"A friend?"</p><p>"Yes. Me and her just arrived. What a coincidence, huh? Nice to see you, Miss Belivet"</p><p>Her. </p><p>Dannie swore to have seen Therese's face getting green. "Please don't throw up", he begged internally.</p><p>Abby said her goodbyes to Therese and hugged her one more time; the brunette had the odd feeling of wasting an opportunity again. </p><p>"You two are stubborn", Abby whispered in her ear rapidly but it was enough to Therese to understand and her body process it as a sentence, giving her shivers, a racing heart and buzzing ears. Her green eyes filled with tears unconsciously. </p><p>Abby walked away. </p><p>Dannie was the only one aware of what just happened.</p><p>Genevieve and Phil kept talking; they sounded drunk. </p><p>Therese wasn't interested in her beer anymore when she sat down leaning over the table.</p><p>"You fine?"</p><p>"Sure, it's just hot in here", she lied. "I'm gonna freshen", she stood up again.</p><p>"Want me to go with you?", the other woman next to her asked. </p><p>"No"</p><p>[...]</p><p><br/>
Abby was making her way to the table she was sharing with Carol that night with a glorious smirk on her face; it was easier than she thought! Oh, a coincidence. Fate was being kind reuniting them that night. She took each step slowly. </p><p>"I swear to God, Abby Gerhard, if you were fooling around with a woman while I was waiting here, our friendship is definitely over", Carol hissed clearly pissed when Abby approached their seats. She didn't have to care about her words, the bar they were in was famous for its specific clientele. Women and men with unconventional lives. Young people tired of the common. </p><p>Abby had a smug on her face and didn't care about the threatening, she just sat, took a sip of her martini and said:</p><p>"Go to the restroom"</p><p>"With you? But haven't you just left there?"</p><p>"Just go"</p><p>"Why would I?", Carol lit a cigarette. </p><p>"Why you ask so many questions?"</p><p>"You are so silly. Are you aware that we're not kids anymore?"</p><p>"Could you, please, please, please, just go to the ladies room and help me save your romance?"</p><p>"Fuck! What do you mean?", Carol got closer and exclaimed with a whisper. "I'm not sleeping with a stranger you arranged to me, Abby" , she exhaled the smoke. </p><p>"Oh. She's definitely not a stranger", Abby said and took another sip. Carol understood and her nostrils dilated. </p><p>"What did you do?"</p><p>"Nothing!"</p><p>"Abby!"</p><p>"Nothing. I swear. It's just a coincidence. I was coming from the restroom and passed by her table, she was with her friends; I said hi, she panicked, I leaved. Isn't New York a tiny city after all?</p><p>Carol rubbed her face nervously. Would she go there? What would she say if they meet? If Therese didn't show up that fateful night, didn't it mean she didn't want to see Carol again? Wasn't it all over? She wanted to run towards Therese; embrace her, ask her so many things.</p><p>"She knows you're here. Go there before she leaves, Carol", Abby touched her hand. "Stop being too stubborn"</p><p>"But she declined me"</p><p>"When will you learn not everything we do mistakenly means something?", Abby gazed her intensively and grabbed her hand; Carol's veins were in evidence, blue and green lines pulsating underneath her fair skin. "You did the same as her, some time ago, and you definitely didn't mean it, but you did leave", Abby reclined in her seat. </p><p>Tic. Tac. Time was passing. </p><p>Therese was turning off the tap and gazing her own eyes reflected in the mirror.</p><p>"We're in the same place", Therese's thoughts were disordered.</p><p>"They're waiting for me"</p><p>"I'm taking too long here"</p><p>Her neck was sweating, her cheeks were red but this time not because of the drinks she had before. It was here. It was Abby surging out of the blue. It was the fact Carol and her were fatidically under the same roof. </p><p>Specifically under the same roof because the ladies rooms door opened and the young, startled brunette thought she would faint when the Carol's exquisitely tall, breathtaking figure appeared dressed in red, with a scarf around her neck and foxy eyes.</p><p>And it was like the first time.</p><p>"Oh", they both gasped.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>my Tumblr is cxteblanchett if you want to submit a prompt or say something, idk. THANKS FOR READING</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stubborn hearts full of youth are constantly and mistakenly thinking that getting used to the loneliness means being over a heartbreak. That is not often true. Sometimes, the brain find by itself a biological way to save us from the limbo of loving and hurting hopelessly, then, it is not by accident that after a period of crying, mourning over the loss of a relationship and overthinking, we naturally find new things to do. We get a fresh start; we get distracted from the pain, listening to new music, meeting new people;</p><p>Resilience, a defense mechanism. Self-love.</p><p>It is the sudden hungry we get after weeks of lack of appetite; and it is also the will to study, the will to learn a new thing and sing, run, talk, have some wine in the middle of a stressing week of work because we think we deserve it;</p><p>Resilience was the mercy touch of universe’s hand that made Therese open up to her friends and photograph more and write and create and communicate more; to learn how to love her own body and understand her own way of being; every inch and each curve and any strand of hair;<br/>
Resilience was the intuition Therese had about Carol, that she didn’t want to live with the uncertain feeling that her lover would leave her again any time when things would get hard and that she shouldn’t and wouldn’t submit to such a situation like this again.</p><p>And, yes, Therese had all of the right reasons; but she took the wrong actions. And who could ever blame her? That’s what we do when young: we mistake. </p><p>"What are you doing here?!", the younger lady in the room asked startled, not supposing to sound rude but still sounding, immediately regretting after raising her shaky voice. "I mean, how did you find me?", she soften. Their eyes never leaving each other since Carol entered the room; and Therese was battling herself not to gaze Carol’s perfect body from head to toe; that body she missed so much. It was a particular warm night in New York: the weather, the alcohol and distress making her scruff to sweat, but if given an opportunity, she would glue their bodies together and never let go. She stiffened her legs to the ground as if trying to tell herself the whole situation was real and also trying to steady herself not to fall, crossed her arms in an attempt to hide her chest rising up and down. "Get yourself together, Therese Belivet", she told herself mentally.</p><p>And Carol was squeezing her own hand against her belly, with her lungs breathing wildly and heart unable to find a pace. It was the second time after months that she was seeing Therese in front of her eyes, so close that she could touch her with a raise of hands, but she never did. They barely touch each other since Waterloo and being aware of that fact was painful not just mentally but physically. "I love you", her tongue was about to formulate and kill what was left of her ego. "I love you and I could understand if you leave this restroom without saying a word", the blonde stated in her head. <br/>
Once she felt confident around Therese; the brunette’s green eyes constantly gazing her and paying complete attention to her words and gestures. But now, Carol could watch herself orbiting around Therese, giving her total permission to be seduced, expecting any small action from her, so she could react to. Wishing to be wanted.</p><p>The blonde was ashamed to be there now, realizing that it looked to Therese as if she was chasing her. It wasn’t humiliating at all but she didn’t like the feeling of, probably, be bothering the woman she loved. And Therese’s body language was screaming a loud "yes, please insist on me. I’m glad you came", however Carol was not confident enough anymore to read her signs although after all those passed days, she could still comprehend the taxonomy of Therese’s expressions and words.</p><p>"Listen, I don’t know what Abby was thinking", she immediately regretted going to that bathroom doing what Abby told her to. It was strange and awkward; maybe she should just give up and get used to the fact that Therese was unrecognizable, not the same woman who’s eyes were once devoted to her. "I apologize. I should not have come", she turned to the door, about to leave. "Have a good night". There was a hint of sorrow in her voice and in her hand waving to Therese.</p><p>There was an infinite combination of words to say.</p><p>Therese had an immense repertory of apologies to give, stories during their time apart to tell, a loud "i love you" to shout, and so did Carol. She felt a violent urge to grab Carol’s hands, embrace her by the waist and accept any invitation the older woman could ever offer her. <br/>
An urge to caress her cheeks, stroke her blond strands of hair, but she just stood speechless, watching Carol about to leave one more time. </p><p>She could not stand this feeling of loss again.</p><p>"I got promoted!”, Therese exclaimed with an intuition bothering her, as though she had to say something. She felt like owing that to Carol. Anything.</p><p>Carol furrowed her eyebrows, making her age lines around her cheekbones and eyelids become more evident, which caught the young lady’s attention. Whenever she noticed, it used to draw Therese’s eyes to it, making her feel enamored and blossoming a thousand questions about Carol’s whole life and its experiences. She wanted to touch her delicate wrinkles. Each and every one. And kiss them.</p><p>The older woman, still not confident enough, barely opened the door and then turned her head to Therese. Should she say congratulations formally or should she do what her heart was demanding her to? —  kiss Therese in the mouth and her rosy cheeks, her forehead… Breath in her scent? Whisper "you deserve it" against her pale skin?</p><p>There was a brief silence and ignoring her childish impulse telling her that Carol’s silence meant she didn’t care enough, Therese insisted, kept talking as though it was usual of her to keep talking when there was silence.</p><p>"An official photographer at The Times", she stated shyly and proud at the same time. Was she continuing the sentence just to fill the blanks spaces supposed to be vows of love and forgiveness? Of course, Therese knew. "It’s not quite a big deal b-"</p><p>Carol’s blue eyes widened and her hand suddenly raised, pointing a finger. She looked angry — was she upset?, Therese thought. Her enigmatic appearance was built all over again. Stiffened shoulders, bold hands, wild nostrils and brows. </p><p>"Don’t you dare", she interrupted her with a husky, deep voice, in a way Therese could tell she had been smoking frequently. Took a step forward. </p><p>"Pardon me?", the other flustered.</p><p>"Do not subjugate your own abilities, Therese", it sounded so much like a command and the last thing she wanted at the moment was to sound like a demanding person. "I mean, I know you’re able to recognize your own skills and you shouldn’t subjugate them when telling me about them, as if I didn’t know myself how talented you are…", she said with a heavy sigh, exhaling all oxygen in her lungs. Oh, even the smell of her breath was comforting to Therese.</p><p>"Anyway, my most sincere congratulations. You have no idea of how much I am pleased for you. Really"</p><p>"Thank you", was the only thing her dry throat managed to say. She suddenly started to tremble and feel unwell, incapable to go any further with the conversation they were pretending to have. A heavy sigh sound fulfilled the silence hovering in the air and she couldn’t tell if it was hers; the nausea was coming again and the heat was gone, her bones and skin were slowly getting colder and colder.</p><p>"Is that so?”, Carol asked. Her unbeatable posture was there again; she meant a whole universe with her eyes but her voice brought out a bit of false indifference. She knew Therese too well to pretend perfectly not to be so affected, but she tried her best. She downed her look to Therese’s hands. Trembling. Her thin body about to shatter, Carol could tell. <br/>
And it bled her terribly to see Therese like this  — shattering in vulnerability like she used to do before  — but she didn’t do or say nothing.</p><p>"Of course not! I love you. You love me. I’m so sorry I screwed it all up; I still want you in case you still want me. Yes. Yes, I do. I would. I will", pleas echoed in Therese’s head, responding to Carol, bordering on coming out of her mouth. However, she didn’t do or say anything too.</p><p>"Yes"</p><p>"That’s that", Carol mumbled before moving again and listening to this particular set of words made her Therese even more nauseous and startled, as though reliving a nightmare,  — her worst one  — and her tongue got sour and her ears got red and her throat choked. </p><p>No, please, — she shut her eyes — not again. </p><p>As soon as Carol went through the door, there was the brunette leaning over the sink again. Sour wine and disgusting crushed pieces of olive came out of her mouth with a throaty whimper and tears from her heavy eyes. She was unconsciously crying, again. Again, sick because of the woman she loved. Would she ever get through it some day? Would she ever stop reacting to that woman like this? Was it love always like this?  —  painful?</p><p>Her sobs were mixed with her whimpers and the sound of her body purging anything she had eaten, in an attempt to purify itself somehow, echoing in the small room; she had to put too much effort to hold back some tears and relax her throat or otherwise she would choke. Luckily, it was a very quiet place, which gave her some privacy to let it out without being stared.</p><p>"God, Therese!", a feminine, unforgettable voice exclaimed passing by the sink and holding back her hair when got closer. Carol held her locks carefully and when looked to Therese by the mirror, her heart got even more fast. Her sweetheart was crying. Obviously because of her. "My love, breathe", said. "I am here, calm down", she whispered against the younger’s right shoulder, a hand holding her hair and the other caressing her.</p><p>It was as though Therese’s body could understand every word and it obeyed to them. In matter of seconds, her entire organism was settled down; her mouth was still sour and her head was still dizzy, her lacrimal glands were still working restlessly, but her throat was clear to breathe and she wasn’t hyperventilating anymore. Therese wanted to say "thank you", strangely not feeling so ashamed as she felt when she got sick and threw up in front of Genevieve’s eyes.</p><p>And speaking of her, the woman noticed that Therese was taking too long to freshen up in the ladies room; Phil was too drunk to really care, talking excitedly about a film he watched last week. Dannie knew what was probably happening; he knew who was Miss Abby Gerhard, why Therese got so tense when they met and when the older woman mentioned a friend of hers. In the best of scenarios, the man thought, Therese would be in the bathroom staring herself in the mirror and brooding over the past. He wasn’t totally wrong.</p><p>"I’m gonna check on her", Genevieve said. "You know, that is a nice place for people like us, but it is not good to a young lady to be wandering around all alone", she tried to justify. In fact, she just thought to find the perfect opportunity to be alone with Therese, discreetly. Dannie presumed her intentions.</p><p>"Belivet can take care of herself", he shrugged. "And she’s not wandering around, she’s in the ladies room"</p><p>"Uh-huh", too late. Genevieve was already standing, holding a small purse. Dannie sighed, watching the woman walking to check on Therese. "What are you doing, T?", he asked herself. Now Phil was slightly snoring, leaned over the round table they were sat in. How the hell did he fall asleep so fast? Jesus!</p><p>"Stop looking", Therese asked while rinsing her mouth in the sink. Carol couldn’t help but look at her with a pity look. "Carol, stop looking or leave", she said serious, filling her mouth with water and then spitting it out again. "Ugh"</p><p>"I’m sorry", the other looked away. "Feeling better now?"</p><p>A strange, young lady entered the ladies room too and noticing what was happening — Therese washing her mouth by the sink — she automatically turned around and left. "Sorry, gals", the stranger mumbled.</p><p>"No", Therese answered, tears still rolling down her cheeks but a harsh voice tone; rosy cheeks but abrupt moves; brows furrowed; looking cute but… was she angry?, Carol wondered. Yes, she was apparently upset. But for what reason?</p><p>She saw Therese reach for a towel and dry her face, indelicately. Well, yes, now she was obviously angry.</p><p>"Therese", she called.</p><p>"Hm?"</p><p>"Therese?"</p><p>"What?!", she yelled. It hurt her heart to be acting so stupidly and yelling at Carol but she couldn't stop herself. </p><p>"Stop it", Carol said firmly. She was not asking at all, she was demanding, now. She couldn’t stand to see Therese behaving like this. "Are you angry at me or are you embarrassed?"</p><p>"Does it matter now?", the young lady was still silently crying but talking with such indifference. Her body was weak and her stomach was aching. She wouldn’t be capable to get in a nonsense fight even if she wanted to. </p><p>"Where this all come from?"</p><p>Therese kept pretending she was still using the towel to dry her face and hands,  — instead of hiding her defeated eyes  — rubbing the fabric roughly against her own eyelids and cheeks; "A fool", she said out loud. Carol heard it. "Stupid"</p><p>Carol could not stand it. She took the piece of fabric from Therese’s small, fragile hands and threw the item to the sink.</p><p>The blonde woman checked the main door rapidly, locking it, turning around immediately and holding Therese tightly. She was thinner than before. Both of them.</p><p>Fate has hit them hard. </p><p>The older one kissed her temples, her small, delicate and red ears and Therese let out a whimper, releasing a long-time held cry. "It is okay", Carol mumbled against Therese’s bangs hair. Their height difference was more noticeable now and the younger was still reluctant, sobbing, sinking her face in Carol’s neck but her hands were fighting, pushing against the other’s chest. </p><p>"Stop, Therese", Carol hugged her even tighter. "You think I didn't try to fight against it too?", she asked. "I tried. And here I am"</p><p>The blonde was stronger; her arms wrapped around Therese's shoulders, weighting the trembling body against her own chest. </p><p>"I am again like this", Therese whispered against the soft skin of her neck. Carol didn't say anything but "hm?", encouraging the young lady to continue talking. "I don't know why. Someone mentions your name, I get weak. I get sick. I don't want this. I thought it would pass with time. I thought I was like this because you were not around but here you are and I am putting my guts out! Again!", she started to punch lightly Carol's soft breasts, sobbing again; shaking like a candle flame. How small she perceived herself now. </p><p>"I am so sorry, Therese. I shouldn't have come", Carol apologized. </p><p>"But you did. Will you dare to leave again?!"</p><p>"I missed you"</p><p>"That don't answer what I asked"</p><p>"When did you become so inquiring?"</p><p>"Don't turn it on me!", Therese pulled her body back with abrupt moves and reluctantly Carol let her go. "Not again..."</p><p>"What do you mean?!"</p><p>"You know"</p><p>"No. I don't"</p><p>Somebody knocked on the door.</p><p>"Ah. Perfect!", Carol rolled her eyes. Her composure suddenly came back, taking a step apart from the other. Sometimes Therese thought that the blonde had an alter ego. She walked to the door and opened it.</p><p>"Miss Belivet?", a voice came from outside.</p><p>Therese widened her eyes. Looked at Carol. Looked at Genevieve.</p><p>"Fuck. It can't get any worse", she stated mentally. </p><p>"Y-yes?", she was still crying when Genevieve got into the small room and the woman automatically noticed her red eyes and nose running. </p><p>"Therese!, what's going on? You fine?", she startled.</p><p>"Yes. Of course. I'm just drunk", she lied. </p><p>Carol was only a spectator for a whole minute.</p><p>She watched Genevieve embracing Therese so intimately. She knew Therese didn't use to like people touching her. She stood there just enough to feel bothered by the strange lady carefully looking to her Therese.</p><p>"I have to go. Now", Carol said. Her voice was deeper and hoarse than ever. "Take care, Therese"</p><p>"Pardon me. And you are?", the other one asked, — raised eyebrows, her eyes finally leaving Therese — because Carol said the name. She didn't say "Miss Belivet". They were friends, Genevieve thought. They did know each other.</p><p>"Carol Ross", she said simply, a hand now rubbing her own neck nervously. She didn't mind asking back the woman's name. </p><p>Genevieve knew. It all making sense now. </p><p>"Oh", Genevieve gasped and gazed Therese speechless; the youngest of them got red cheeks out of the sudden. Carol didn't understand. "I see"</p><p>More awkward silence.</p><p>In the 50s people don't make a fuss. </p><p>They just look angry at each other. </p><p>What was Carol thinking?, Belivet wanted to know.</p><p>She was confused and a little jealous.</p><p>"Abby is waiting for me", Carol announced again. "I have to go", she repeated; her heart was aching; Therese swore she saw tears forming in her blue eyes.</p><p>Genevieve passed by them, marching out of the bathroom, closing the door.</p><p>She repeated "I have to go" hoping that Therese would attempt anything to prevent her from leaving. </p><p>"I"</p><p>"You?"</p><p>"Damn it!", one of them hissed. Both women simultaneously taking a step closer; Therese's forehead at Carol's nose; she was breathing faster and faster, making Therese's locks move; shy hands met with waists; a cold nose met with a warm neck; and there was a shiver; someone drew a breath, inhaling the other's perfume. </p><p>"I missed you", she gave up. Why keep holding grudge when Carol was holding her so thoughtfully?</p><p>"Come again friday", Carol offered against her nape. "It is safe. We can talk"</p><p>Therese furrowed her eyebrows.</p><p>"Why not now?"</p><p>"Your friends"</p><p>"Fuck!"</p><p>"You curse now?"</p><p>She laughed, sniffing nose. </p><p>"Plus, you're unwell. I will give you time to think", Carol surrendered to the nostalgia, kissing Therese's temples again. Soft. Warm. Pale. Hers. Hers. Hers again. Would she be? "If you don't come one more time, I promise, not even a coincidence would make me bother you again"</p><p>"You don't bother me"</p><p>"You got sick. Because of me"</p><p>Suddenly, the strange sensation, the intuition Carol had days ago, made sense. It was Therese. She smiled sadly. "Now go, you have a promotion to celebrate"</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one is shorter than others (3,050 words) but Carol and Therese FINALLY KISSED. So I hope you enjoy.</p><p>Dannie and Abby are the best friends in the world, don't you agree?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Days before, Dannie introduced Therese to an underground world where she found people just like her — and Carol, Abby, Genevieve. It enamored the young woman, the possibility of not having to hide who she really was;</p><p>The bar they went was famous among the secret community of single and young folks looking for fun; misunderstood artists, writers, singers, actors, most of them homossexuals. Dannie was not a homo himself, but he didn't have anything against "people like them", — in his words — "Queer people are cool. They're human just like me", he explained once. </p><p>"It is absolutely safer than conventional bars or restaurants", Dannie advised her. "Obviously, the building has a reputation now because of people from outside who know those who are frequenting it; there is a risk, but... People don't really care about them enough, ya know?"</p><p>"I guess so"</p><p>"If you don't feel secure enough, take her for a walk", he suggested. </p><p>"A walk?"</p><p>"Yep. It's discreet. Common", Dannie gesticulated, advising her as though he has experience among that kind of "subterranean" lifestyle. "You'll find distractions while walking, if there's anything uncomfortable between you two; the vicinities are safe, you can trust me. There's a park around the outskirt. Some alleys, some trees so you could...", he grinned. "You know what I mean"</p><p>But Therese sighed, not in the mood for silly jokes. They were still at work, in the dark room developing some pictures to the newspaper. Pictures Therese took herself when downtown last month.</p><p>"It is already tomorrow. I went through the whole week thinking about it", she shrugged her shoulders, holding a photo negative. "Pondering whether or not to go there and see her again", she handled the photochemical carefully then. "What would we talk about? I don't think a formal conversation would work; and Carol is the kind of person that either don't talk too much or gets involved in formal conversations. I'm not so good with words! I mean, I have a lot to say, but also don't want to exaggerate and get too emotional, I don't know what she might have been through and-" she started to ramble, exclaiming nonstop. </p><p>"Then kiss her", the young guy interrupted her; the felt embarrassed, her entire face grown hot automatically.</p><p>"Dannie!", she dried her hands with a tiny towel and slapped his arm. </p><p>"What? Words are not enough? Then catch your lady right, Belivet. You missed her, didn't you?"</p><p>Ugh, it was weird to talk about something so personal with a friend, — a male, straight friend — but she couldn't deny it. Sighed, frustrated.</p><p>"More than I can say"</p><p>"Okay. Seriously,", the man took a break from what he was doing and so did Therese. He turned the love guru mode on. "You love each other. That is probably the only certainty you have", he stated, raising a hand to squeeze her shoulder. A gesture only he or Phil would offer and Therese was getting familiar with it. "Let it happen naturally; it might be impossible to pretend that nothing happened but, also, why hurry something that's inevitable?"</p><p>"I don't think I get it", Therese confessed, flushed face, shoulders shrugged.</p><p>"What I mean is: eventually things will work out, doesn't matter if there's no words at first sight. I am an incurable romantic and I do believe love can mend anything; if you can't speak you can act!"</p><p>"So am I supposed to kiss her?"</p><p>"Duh. But I bet you'll take too long overthinking to do so; she'll probably kiss you first", he mocked. </p><p>"Damn you, Dannie"</p><p>She got home that Thursday meditating on Dannie's wise words, though his versions of what would probably happen were too romantically expected; she entered her apartment with a silly, small smile spreading all over her face;</p><p>Carol was constantly invading her thoughts, when awake, and her dreams, when she was asleep; at the same time she felt falling in love and about to know the older woman all again, she had a feeling that the whole situation could end badly and she could be hurt. </p><p>Self-care.</p><p>Therese thought of Genevieve last Friday; the way she got so annoyed by Carol's presence and so entitled to inquire Therese to tell about the scene in the ladies room; the way Genevieve took a drag of her clearly expensive and imported cigarette, never laying her eyes on her figure again, so pissed, and whenever she reminded, she sighed; was she doing something wrong? Seven days passed and she was still feeling embarrassed about Genevieve's upsetness. </p><p>"We didn't even had sex", Therese remembered. That could probably be a reason; Genevieve's ego might be too fragile, right? And whatever they had that fatefully night at Phil's party, — a kiss, a flirt — or the Wednesday she got sick and she taken care of her,<br/>it definitely didn't work and absolutely wasn't natural like what she had with Carol. </p><p>In fact, Therese had no idea about how girls got involved with each other and what was her role supposed to be. Was she supposed to give it or take it? Was there any essence, a primary instinct inside of women attracted to other women, that made some submit and others to dominate? </p><p>When with Carol, she was deliberately, undoubtedly conquered; always consenting, allowing the other to dominate, make invitations and questions which she was constantly, impulsively and willingly saying yes to. </p><p>"Yes, yes I would", Therese remembered to answer when Carol asked her if she would accept going out on a road trip. Constantly nodding consent; smiling; saying "yes" and "please"; not because Carol was intimidating, — she was a little, in fact; such an ethereal figure; powerful, stunning, out of this world — but because she wanted to, never feeling bothered or coerced to give and let Carol take. </p><p>She showered that night washing every inch of her body thoughtfully; there wasn't anger within her actions, not this time, not like the night she vomited in the bathroom and had Carol to hold her hairs; the towel wandered over her skin, not to hurt, not leave bruises this time. </p><p>Her heart was still a chaos; her mind was a hurricane; but her body acted peacefully as though her organism could understand and recall Carol's touch telling her to calm down; and that they would meet again, the sooner, the next day.</p><p>"Tomorrow", she mumbled against her pillow. Less than twenty four hours.</p><p>[...]</p><p>"Please, have a sit", Carol offered, noticeably nervous; anxiety killing her from inside out; Therese was not much different, with shaking hands and weak legs, carrying a small backpack and a portable camera case. </p><p>"I had to order myself some wine or I would have fainted waiting for you", the blonde confessed shyly; it wasn't usual — to see Carol shy. But she looked like it, expecting Therese's approval to make the next move. For the first time, Therese saw Carol's cheeks flushing. </p><p>"We're not staying", Therese sighed, firmly holding the backpack strap.</p><p>"Is there something wrong, Therese?"</p><p>"No"</p><p>"Do you just left work?"</p><p>"Yes. Are you coming with me or will you keep up with the questionnaire?", she asked playfully.</p><p>"I'm going wherever you want me to, Therese", Carol answered husky; she stood up. "Let me just pay this", and gulped the rest of the red wine in the glass. So different. </p><p>Therese waited for her outside, at the sidewalk, for less than three minutes; the brunette crossed her arms, looked at the sky — full moon, full of stars, cold breeze. Carol got close imperceptibly, touching her shoulder; she shivered. It was past seven. They both dressed in pairs of black skirts and blouses. Matching. </p><p>"Carol"</p><p>"Lead the way", the blonde said smiling, her white skin hands grabbing a small, red purse. "I must admit I am surprised"</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I didn't expect you to know that bar. Or the neighborhood", said simply. They started a slow pace, side to side, both of them holding their items as though their lives depended on it. Therese was praying for Carol not to notice, but she was trembling; she was always shaking terribly when next to Carol. </p><p>"I don't, actually", Therese confessed. "Dannie brought me here with Phil and Genevieve; the first attempt to commemorate the promotion was a fiasco, two weeks ago, so I owed them some drinks" she explained, though Carol remained in silence. "But it's a nice place"</p><p>"Is Genevieve the lady that appeared in the restroom that day?"</p><p>"Y-yes"</p><p>"I see. And why was it a fiasco?", Carol had to swallow her sudden jealousy. Therese kicked some pebbles; sighed. Looked away. Carol gazed her. </p><p>"I don't know where to start", the younger exhaled sharply. "Things got out of control"</p><p>"It is hard to picture you letting things go out of control", Carol laughed slightly. "I mean-"</p><p>"I know what you mean"</p><p>An awkward pause. </p><p>"And was she there, that fatefully Wednesday?", she couldn't help but ask. Her voice filled with a false indifference, curiosity and a bit of irony. Therese widened her eyes, understanding what Carol was trying to do; but their date was not supposed to be about this. Or was it? Should she mention what happened — almost happened, actually — between her and the other woman? </p><p>"Yes. She was there"</p><p>Her countenance became sad; Carol misunderstood the whole situation. Her heart ached as if shattering and she felt small, tiny, bordering on disappear, but never making a risky move to show her disappoinment.<br/>Inside of the Carol's ingenuous mind, the night the brunette didn't say "yes" to her and didn't show up was now explained. Therese was taken. Or about to be taken by another woman. — she thought, naively — and probably there was nothing she could do. "I should have told her to wait", Carol stated mentally. "Even if it was a selfish wish"</p><p>And Therese kept her eyes roaming the skies.</p><p>Some clouds crossed their paths with the moon. </p><p>"Beautiful", Therese whispered distracted, looking to them. She stopped walking suddenly, never noticing Carol's teary eyes.</p><p>"What?", Carol asked, a sad tone filling the blanks spaces in her voice; her vocal cords about to spit so much to say; she stopped walking too, few steps ahead of her. </p><p>"Shh", Therese took her camera off the case and raised her hand slowly, as though the moon and the clouds could run away if listening to their talk.</p><p>She pointed the lenses thoughtfully, taking a deep breath; firm hands holding the most precious tool she ever had; the young lady furrowed her brows and her pupils dilated, full of passion. What a beautiful sight.</p><p>Carol felt as if the camera was an extension of Therese's body.</p><p>She fell in love once again.</p><p>When she heard a click, knew it was safe to speak; the older woman swallowed the cry, downing her eyes to the camera Therese was putting back in the case. </p><p>"Is that the one I gave you?", she remembered when she bought it for Therese and suppressed a stubborn smile, itching to let it spread all over her tired cheekbones. Of course, she couldn't sleep her eyes the whole week waiting for that night. The sorrow and insecurity were still there but she managed to hold them back.</p><p>"Yes", Therese battled the will to say "thank you" for the camera one more time; instead, she looked up to Carol, straight to her blue eyes. The blonde's were full of shining tears; now Therese paid attention to them. </p><p>"I love you", the young photographer wanted to say. "I missed you; take a step closer once again, hold me", but she bit her tongue, thinking it would be too desperate of her, too silly to say. </p><p>Ah, if she could only read Carol's mind! </p><p>"Therese", the woman started, she got closer. The street was deserted. </p><p>"Come"</p><p>"Where?"</p><p>"Just...", sighed. "Ugh!", she sounded angry, Carol thought. </p><p>Therese recalled Dannie's voice telling her: if you can't speak, you can act.</p><p>And it was like a dance. </p><p>Her hands were bold and stronger, out of the blue. She pushed Carol again the dark alley wall and pressed her own body against the other; Carol inhaled violently, her bodies were set on fire; she exhaled and her warm panting melted Therese from head to toe. </p><p>"I have so much to say", Therese started, whispering dangerously close and her mouth was watering and her green eyes could only focus on the other's red painted lips; the world spinning full speed around her and Carol was the only thing she could see. "But I don't find the words"</p><p>"Neither do I", Carol grabbed her waist; the gesture made the brunette's eyes shut and her brows to furrow, an expression full of emotions, as though she was about to cry, or to wreck herself completely.</p><p>Carol's wide palms and long fingers were melting her skin; Therese swore she could feel her flesh bubbling, on fire, boiling. "Oh", Carol gasped when looked for Therese's eyes and found them closed.</p><p>The anatomy of her face was squirming itself, she looked like crying and felt like dying of pleasure. </p><p>And Carol's hands barely touched anything but her slim waist.</p><p>Over clothes. </p><p>But enough to make her breathless. </p><p>She reacted to the touch the same way when Carol used to touch her shoulders — at Carol's house, while playing piano; in Waterloo; at the Ritz.</p><p>She wanted to tell how much her heart hurt when she woke up that morning and didn't see the blonde sleeping beside her; she wanted to tell what happened when Abby gave her the letter and that she read it countlessly times with eyes full of tears; that she remembered each and every single word written in it and tell that every time Carol was mentioned, her lungs forgot how to breathe; she wanted to beg for forgiveness but she also wished to be needed; she wanted to confess that she painted her walls to remember Waterloo every night and that she decided secretly to move to another apartment because reliving the moment was too painful; </p><p>She wanted to devour Carol.</p><p>To consume her, not only poetically, romantically, but physically.</p><p>She was angry, upset and in pain but beyond anything she missed Carol terribly. </p><p>Above anything there was Carol against the wall. She postponed any questions or necessities, having the older woman so close for her to touch was irremediably a priority.</p><p>She wanted to kiss her.</p><p>Therese gave up her eager mouth and let her lips wander smugly against Carol's lips.</p><p>Wanted to lick her.</p><p>She parted her lips and suddenly her tongue was tasting Carol's; she tasted sweet and slightly sour; like grapes. Like fresh wine. The blonde moaned and Therese let out a grunt, swallowing Carol's any reaction.</p><p>She wished to own her.</p><p>Therese grabbed her by the scruff, her nails scratching Carol's fair skin, painted five red paths along it.</p><p>Desired to claim her.</p><p>Therese boldly traced a way with her tongue to Carol's neck, where her nails were already marking her, and permitted her fangs to sink in there.<br/>But not to wound. There was not violence. As she bit, she caressed the bruise with a delicious warm tongue, making Carol shiver. </p><p>"I miss you", she let it out in the simple present, close to the other's ear. The nostalgia and Saudade* were still there, although they were already together again. </p><p>"I missed you", Carol didn't pay attention to the detail. Her hands pressed the brunette against her, with eyes shut, relishing the moment. No one has ever touched her like this, with such devotion. "I missed you, I missed you...", she whispered, repeating word after word against Therese's restless, wet mouth. Not as if she was responding the other's sentence; it was a declaration of her feelings itself, not depending on Therese's to exist. She missed Therese. She awfully missed Therese.</p><p>She'd never felt like that: being devoted to the one who was devoted to her. Carol had never been so emotionally passive to Therese as she was at that moment; she didn't build a tension as she was used to, the younger took her by surprise and Carol deliberately gave in. Gasping. Whimpering. Panting. Shaking.</p><p>Words were absolutely not necessary, they were touching each other and saying what they needed to. Posteriorly, they knew, when Truth reached them, they would have to dialogue. "But not now", Therese calmed her stormy mind. </p><p>Behind Carol's eyelids, colors were exploding and her senses were confused; what was tact? smell and taste feeling like the same thing: both inebriated by Therese's scent and the taste of her saliva, making Carol suck for more and more; inhaling sharply every time their tongues touched each other. "I love you", she was about to say when Therese pulled back; the older woman insisted her mouth one more time; a loud sound of their lips letting go. </p><p>"We're outside", the brunette thought in a glimpse of consciousness.</p><p>Therese kept her eyes closed and bit her bottom lip, so sensitive and red now. Relishing the moment. Her cheeks were blushed, her neck too. Carol stared her and kissed her forehead, so intimately; she hugged Therese. </p><p>"I love you", she finally said, crying and her swollen lips quivered. "I love you. How could I ever leave you?"</p><p>Silence hovered in the air. Carol was not expecting an immediate response but she also was not expecting a defeaning silence. "I am sorry", she apologized, bitterly. She remembered — and Therese probably remembered too, because she widened her eyes — the brunette never said she loved her back. The younger was about to do it now. "No. You don't have to say anything", Carol grabbed her right hand and kissed the knuckles of her fingers thoughtfully. "I understand if-"</p><p>"Hush", Therese pressed her index finger against her, still wet, lip. "I love you. Don't you know I love you?"</p><p>Saudade: a portuguese word to define the melancholic feeling of missing someone or something that either you are too far away — and will possibly see again — or someone or something you know you lost forever. It is like grieving, for example. But grieving for someone who's still alive. Living. Without you. </p><p>It is very similar to nostalgia, but Saudade or Saudosismo is beyond these definitions. It is not much of a feeling, but a state of mind.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
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    <p>HELLO!!! How are you doing?</p><p>I'm sorry for my absence; so many things have happened (I got a job; I met a girl, we're dating; my country is absolutely a terrible place to be living right now...) it's been tough... But here I am! Hope you guys are keeping safe, don't forget the mask, washing your hands and drinking water &lt;3 I'll update the story as soon as possible</p>
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